


Saving Raphael Santiago

by khaleesiofalicante



Series: Stars Spell Your Name [3]
Category: The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Multi, This one is a birthday treat, also who is surprised that I can't stop writing about SSYN, for a special one, honestly whomst?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-23 02:21:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20884571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/khaleesiofalicante/pseuds/khaleesiofalicante
Summary: “My mama once told me that if someone wants to stay in your life, they always find a way. It doesn’t matter, Raphael. What matters is who you are as a person. At the end of the day, that’s why people stay. And you, Raphael Santiago, are an amazing, smart, kind and wonderful person. And that is why I choose to stay with you. Just like Cat and Ragnor and so many other people you will meet in your life. They will stay because of who you are, not because of who you like or don’t like.”First dates, Honest talks, Best friends and Other things.





	Saving Raphael Santiago

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Jsq86](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jsq86/gifts).

> This one was written for the best mutual in the entire planet <3
> 
> This story is set a few years before the events of SSYN - Before Alec, Before Chairman, Before Red Scrolls. 
> 
> Happy reading, everyone!

Magnus always dressed to impress – that was a given.

It didn’t matter if he was staying at home and was catching up on the latest season of Grey’s Anatomy or going to the farmer’s market or attending the fashion week in Paris – Magnus Bane always dressed to impress.

As a fashion designer, it was of utmost importance that he chose and wore the right clothes all the time. But his passion for fashion did not just happen as a side effect of his job. He had always cared about clothes and how he presented himself. He loved decorating himself in the finest of silks and jewelry because it was a part of his identity.

But for the life of him, he couldn’t figure out what to wear tonight. He stared at his giant wardrobe and let out a frustrated sigh. All these clothes and he couldn’t pick the right outfit. Various pieces of clothing were littered across the room and he looked around helplessly to find the right one. Maybe he didn’t have the perfect outfit? Maybe he should reschedule? Maybe he needs to go out and get himself something halfway decent?

_While I am all in for new clothes but…Maybe you need to calm the fuck down?_

He did. The restless energy inside him felt unfamiliar. He was not new to dating at all and definitely knew enough tricks to charm his date. But something told him that his usual tricks were not going to work with this one.

He had met Camille during the Givenchy Spring Summer show. When he saw her walk down the romp in her stunning carmine dress, he knew it. It was love at first sight. It was one of those moments where you find something so stunning and exquisite; you decide that you cannot go on with your life without it. He didn’t think that she would go out with someone like him, a nobody in the industry. Which is why he had been surprised when she said yes.

_Low self-esteem alert!!_

So, yeah. His panic attack was completely justifiable considering he was going on a date with Camille fucking Belcourt. He had to wear the best outfit in order to impress her tonight. First impressions are very important and Magnus did not want to let her slip through his fingers like many others. He had a feeling that Camille…She might be the one. So, it is absolutely essential that he did everything right tonight.

_Bro, you meet her a week ago. I repeat, calm the fuck down._

How could he calm down? This was not just another date for him. This one was going to be the game changer. He had been looking so long for someone to belong to. He wanted someone to share his life with, not just his body. He didn’t know if Camille was the one, but there was something about her. He had this undeniable feeling that she was going to change his life in the most important ways.

_Big same…_

“Okay. How about this one?” he asked hopefully, as he showed the gold jacket with sequins on it.

The boy propped up on his elbows from the bed and scoffed. “Sure. Looks great…If you are a bullfighter from Madrid that is.”

_Hey, kid? Not cool, okay? Not cool._

Magnus let out a frustrated scream, pulled on his hair and went through his wardrobe again. He picked out a plain white shirt. Maybe he should stop trying so hard and go for something simple?

“Okay this one?”

“Are you going on a date or going for a funeral?”

_Okay, we need more support and less sass._

He was running out of time. If this goes on for any longer, he worried that he would end up being late for the date. 

“Maybe we should go shopping and find something new?”

“Shopping? With another person” Raphael snorted, “I’d rather die.”

_Um, rude!_

Well, this is what one could expect from Raphael Santiago. Usually, his go-to for fashion and dating advice was Cat. But the poor thing was cramming for her finals at medical school. Of course, she would have dropped everything in an instant and run to his aid if he had asked. While his date with Camille was important, he knew Catarina needed the time to study and focus. He could have also asked Ragnor, but he’d rather not. That man’s fashion advice was as good as…Well, it wasn’t very good.

So, here he was – stuck with Raphael Santiago.

He dived into the closet one more and started looking for something slightly more glamorous when the other man spoke up.

“Magnus?” the voice was hesitant this time, and almost unrecognizable. “What does it feel like to date someone?”

Magnus crawled out of the wardrobe to find his friend. He was still lying on his back on the bed, looking at the plain ceiling with a plain face.

“Why? Have you finally found someone?” Magnus smirked, trying not to show his excitement at the prospect.

Raphael, who had just started his first year at college, was the youngest in their little group of misfits. While the others had been through their fair share of horrible dates and epic romances, Raphael had always been nothing but a spectator - and an unnecessary reviewer too! He especially liked to comment on everyone Magnus dated.

_Comment? You mean criticize!_

“No. I just…I have never been on a date.”

Never? Well, that was news to Magnus. He had always thought that Raphael was just a private person and therefore did not wish to discuss his dating life. He even considered that Raphael probably didn't want to introduced anyone he dated because he was worried of getting embarrassed – Which was a genuine concern to be honest, especially if you had friends like Ragnor.

But he had never thought that it was because Raphael had never dated anyone at all. But it did make sense since the boy was only 19.

“There is nothing wrong with it. You are still so young,” Magnus pointed out.

“You are talking as if you are four hundred years old,” Raphael chuckled.

“I might be. You never know,” Magnus winked.

“Hmmm. That does explain your ancient taste in fashion,” Raphael jested, throwing a maroon shirt at him.

Magnus, who was a master of deflecting and distracting serious conversations with poor attempts at humor, immediately recognized that there was more to this story.

He caught it with one hand and threw the shirt on to the abandoned pile of clothes next to the bed. “My point is, you are in college now. There are plenty of opportunities for you to date in the next few years.”

Raphael chewed on his bottom lip nervously, which was very uncharacteristic of him.

“What if I don’t want to date?”

“Well, if you'd rather just hook up, that is fine too. I used to-”

“What if I don’t want that either?”

_Huh._

“Raphael, I know college can be a little intimidating. But you are still in your first year. There is plenty of time for you to figure out what you want. You don’t have to date or hook up or whatever right now. You can get there when you are ready.”

The boy looked up at him now, making eye contact for the first time that evening. There was something unusual in his dark eyes - something Magnus had never seen before. Raphael was afraid.

“What if I’ll _never_ be ready?”

Did something happen? Did someone say something to him? Kids can be so cruel at college, Magnus remembered.

_If I hear they hurt my sweet boy, I swear to god…_

“What if I don’t want to date or hookup…ever?” he questioned his voice small.

_Oh._

He walked towards his bed and sat down next to his friend. “What is it? Raphael, you know you can talk to me about anything right?”

The boy was looking down again, his hands shaking slightly. “I just…I…I feel so out of place.”

“Why?” Magnus asked softly.

“Everyone is just…They are all dating. All they do is date or hook up. Or they talk about dating or hooking up. I don’t…I can’t…I don’t get it. It was exactly like it was in high school, but worse.”

“Raphael,” Magnus called out, rubbing circles on the boy’s back, “It’s okay for you to not want to date or have sex.”

“Is it? Is it really?” Raphael growled, “Cause I can’t help but feel like there is something wrong with me. Like I am broken or something.”

“You are not broken!” Magnus chastised without missing a beat.

He had an idea of what Raphael was talking about. He couldn’t help but feel guilty for bombarding the boy with his endless rants about his dates and sexual conquests. He wondered how his friend might have felt having to listen to him every time.

_Oh no. Not the self-blaming again, Magnus!_

“I…I am sorry,” Magnus confessed, “If I ever made you feel bad or uncomfortable…I know I talk too much about-”

“Magnus, it is not your fault that I am like this!”

“It is not your fault either. It is nobody’s fault. Raphael, this is who you are. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it.”

Raphael looked at him then, his eyes slightly moist and red.

“Then why do I feel like this? Every time someone talks about being in a relationship or having sex…It’s just…Is that all there is? Is that all that matters?”

Of course, it wasn’t. In that moment, Magnus realized that once again society had fucked up. The culture of celebrating and prioritizing romantic and sexual relationships had completely disregarded the importance of platonic ones.

Relationships, in essence, were just one and the same. It was one of the first things he had realized when he had come to terms with his own sexuality. Regardless of who you are, you just want to feel connected to someone. As human beings, we crave that connection. But for some reason, the tendency to prioritize the need for sexual and romantic connections had screwed the need to connect platonically.

This is exactly why people felt the need to have a boyfriend or girlfriend more than they felt the need to have good friends around. Magnus had felt the same way until he had stumbled into Cat, Ragnor and Raphael.

_God bless these precious beans!_

“It is not. We live in a world where you are treated as imperfect or incomplete if you are not in a relationship. It’s completely fucked up. I am not going to lie, Raphael. I felt that way for a long time too. I sometimes still do. I just…I think we’ve not been taught the importance of loving ourselves and being comfortable with our own company. So, we always just run around looking for someone else to make ourselves feel whole.”

He considered his date with Camille and wondered why exactly he had asked her out. Is it because he no longer wanted to feel alone? He wondered whether it was unreasonable to expect Camille to fill a void that he had been carrying around for years.

Raphael let out a tired sigh. “It’s just…It’s hard sometimes. I know who I am and I know what I want. But when I look at all these people around me… I can’t help but wonder…If relationships are just about romance and sex, If that's true…Would why would anyone want to be friends with me? Why would anyone choose to be with someone like me?”

“People stay because they love you,” Magnus pointed out. “My mama once told me that if someone wants to stay in your life, they always find a way. It doesn’t matter, Raphael. What matters is who you are as a person. At the end of the day, that’s why people stay. And you, Raphael Santiago, are an amazing, smart, kind and wonderful person. And that is why I choose to stay with you. Just like Cat and Ragnor and so many other people you will meet in your life. They will stay because of who you are, not because of who you like or don’t like.”

Raphael considered his words quietly for a moment.

“And what if they choose to leave? What if they find out and choose to leave?”

“Well, then they will be missing out on an amazing friendship and unasked for fashion criticism.”

Raphael chuckled softly at that and threw another shirt at him, which Magnus did not catch this time.

"You once said...You are a freewheeling bisexual," Raphael reminded him. 

_Damn straight...or bi._

"I don't...I don't know what to...I don't know how to call myself. i am not sure exactly what-"

Magnus reached out and gently held the other man's arm. 

"Who you love doesn't define who you are. You are and will always be Raphael Santiago. Just that."

His friend smiled at him now, this one more genuine, and squeezed his hand.

“Can I ask you something?” Magnus asked and the boy nodded.

“Why didn’t you tell me before? Or Cat or Ragnor?” Magnus questioned quietly. He wanted to know if it was something he had said or done. Did Raphael not feel comfortable in their friend group?

“I just…It’s not a big deal. I mean…I was worried that you might not…You might not think of it as a problem, you know? You always talk about problems with your boyfriends or girlfriends and that I understand. But what I am going through…Is that even a real problem?”

_Sweetheart, no._

“Raphael,” he spoke gently, “Just because you are not in a relationship, that doesn’t mean you don’t have problems. Whatever you are going through, however you feel…Your feelings are valid. Your problems are real and are just as important as anyone else’s. Do not feel like you are less than anyone else just because you are not in a relationship.”

The boy just nodded and sniffled quietly. He started fiddling with the gold cross that he wore as a symbol of his faith and love for his family. “Do you…Do you think…Do you think mom would be okay with it?”

He thought about his own mother then. He had always wondered what she would have said or how she would have reacted if he had the chance to come out to her. He never got to, but he didn’t have to in order to know what she would have said. When you love someone the way his mom loved him, there is nothing in the world that could break that love. And if there is one thing he knew about Raphael’s mom, it was that she loved his son more than anything in the world.

“Your mom…She loves you very much. You are her sweet boy. Her _hijo_. Her Raphael. She will always love you regardless of how you identify yourself. But there is no rush. You can talk to her when you are ready. When you are more comfortable. I will be honest with you. She might not understand it. But she will love and accept you nevertheless.”

“Because people who want to stay always find a way?” Raphael asked, repeating his earlier words.

“That’s right,” Magnus smiled at him.

Magnus had always been comfortable with his sexuality. But that didn't mean that it was always a walk in the park. Regardless of how proud you are of yourself and how much you accept yourself, sometimes it hurts. It didn't matter whether the rejection came from a loved or a stranger, sometimes it just hurts. But with time and the love of amazing people, he had come to understand that not everyone will love and accept you. Some people were just cruel.

It was a hard lesson to learn at a young age. But it was true and Magnus was glad he had learned that lesson. It made him realize that endlessly seeking validation from other people in order to confirm your own identity, it can become destructive. It makes you feel as if you are...not whole. So, you seek to fill that void, that emptiness, by looking for reassurance and validation. You forget to understand that this is all you will be and there is nothing wrong with that at all.

“I understand that sometimes it can be difficult, especially when you are trying to figure everything out. But I want you to remember this, Raphael. It doesn’t matter if you are straight or gay or bi or ace…You don’t need to be in a relationship in order to feel whole. You are enough as you are.”

He pulled the boy into a hug and Raphael rested his head on Magnus’s shoulder. They stayed like that for a moment when he suddenly felt the other boy tense slightly.

_Is this boy REALLY good at hugging or is it just me?_

“You are hugging me,” Raphael pointed out.

“Yes.”

“Why are you hugging me?”

“Um, moral support?”

“Magnus!” Raphael whined, as he let go of him.

“You give such good hugs!” Magnus whined back.

“No such thing as a good hug,” Raphael rolled his eyes, “I am never hugging you again.”

“Oh no. I have had a taste. I need my Santiago hugs!”

“Fuck off, Bane!”

“Alright, let’s make a deal. I get a hug every year for my birthday and Christmas. How about that?”

“They are both in December. I already hate that stupid festive month. Not happening.”

“Okay then. How about a hug for my birthday and first bump for Christmas?” Magnus bargained, channeling his best pout and puppy dog eyes.

Raphael considered his words for a minute. “How about a hug for your birthday and I don’t kill you for Christmas?”

“I’ll take it!!!”

Magnus got up from the bed and stretched his hands above his head. “So, um, should we hug to shake on the deal?”

“Magnus, I swear to god,” Raphael sighed, “Do you not have a date or something?”

Fuck! Camille!

He bolted into the bathroom and took a quick shower. After giving all that advice to Raphael, he realized that it didn’t really matter what he wore for his date. If Camille wanted to stay, then she would stay. It was as simple as that.

_Yas! That's the spirit, son!_

He came out of the bathroom to find Raphael going through the pile of clothes on the floor.

“Wear this one,” he threw a bottle green shirt at him, “It compliments your eyes.”

_Oh my god, he is right!!_

Magnus quirked an eyebrow at him.

“What?” Raphael huffed, “I am asexual, not blind.”

"Nice choice," Magnus agreed, putting it on. 

"Magnus...I...Thank you. I didn't know who to talk to...about all of this. So, thanks," Raphael mentioned, shifting awkwardly on his feet.

"I understand why you wanted to talk to me. And thank you for trusting me enough to tell me. But just so you know, you don't always have to just talk to people in the community, okay? If you think you can trust them and if you think they will accept you for who you are, then go for it."

Raphael started picking up the clothes from the floor and started piling them on the bed. "There is this girl in my class. Lily. She is nice, I guess. And there is Elliot...He is an idiot. But he is okay. I tolerate them."

"Well, there you go!" Magnus cheered as he put on his leather pants. 

"But how do I tell them? How do I start the conversation?" Raphael asked, lost in thought.

"Like I said, there is no rush. You are still new there. So, just get to know them first. Also, if you want, I can find you some online communities for asexuals and aromantics. Maybe you could talk to them? They might be able to offer you better advice from experience."

Raphael looked slightly startled, "You would do that?"

"Of course," Magnus replied.

"You are a good man, Magnus," Raphael told him, "I know you have your own struggles too. I know one day you will find whatever it is that you are looking for. You will find someone who loves you unconditionally. You deserve to be happy."

_Oh my god, please staph! My feels._

He couldn’t help but smile at the boy. Just like that, he had picked himself up and was ready to face the world.

When Raphael moved to New York permanently a few months ago, his mother had asked Magnus to look after him. Raphael had a knack for trouble and therefore she had requested that Magnus look after the younger boy at all times.

“You keep an eye on him, alright?” she had asked and commanded at the same, “If he gets into trouble, you must save my Raphael.”

But right now, Magnus realized that there was no need. The boy in front of him was strong, resilient and determined. He understood that there was no need to save him because the boy had saved himself. And what’s more, Magnus couldn’t help but feel that one day Raphael Santiago would save his life too.

"Have fun on your date," Raphael wished as he left the room, "I hope she doesn't kill you."

Well, that was as close as you can get to an 'I love you' from this one. So, yay!

“Thank you, Raphael,” Magnus replied sweetly, “If this works out, I’ll make sure to name one of my children after you.”

“Don’t you fucking dare!”

**Author's Note:**

> Happy birthday, Jesther! I hope you liked this one. 
> 
> While I was doing some research for this fic, I came across David Jay and his work on asexal activism. I learned so much from him and it helped me understand asexuality better. I would recommend that you look him up too :)
> 
> Come find me on tumblr @khaleesiofalicante
> 
> Fun fact: Asexuality is not the same thing as having low sex drive or being celibate, abstinent, or having never had sex.


End file.
